ADULT FRIENDSHIPS

A person has the most friends when they are young. Elementary school brings together hundreds of kids and sorts them into classes of 30 or so individuals. Team sports brings together more opportunity to add to the mix of individuals. Friendships form because kids work and play in the same environment, the school and the neighborhood. They are in contact with each other on an almost daily basis.

But as we grow older, friendships change like our individual interests. We may not realize at the time that time itself has begun to cull the friendship herd. You do not have enough hours in the day to socialize with everyone you know. Subsets of friends become more important to you.

Then, hormones take over and attraction to the opposite sex takes priority over the past. This further defines the parameters of one's social circle. Some women want their boyfriend's full and complete attention and affection. Some men want to maintain a level of freedom, going out with the guys to play sports or hang out. Everyone learns to find a balance between old friendships and demands of their most personal relationships.

Things change again when a person is out in "the real world." A job becomes a time consuming task master. Marriage and a family suddenly takes up all the old "free time." There is always something to do in one's home - - - from chores, cleaning, maintenance, kids activities and spousal duties. Even time alone on vacation becomes a logistics project. But those are the strongest bonds that can be made by an individual, in a family unit.

It is rare for adults to make many "new" friends. Colleagues at work may or may not get beyond the casual, professional co-worker status because everyone in the work place has settled into their own off-hours personal routine and lifestyle. It is harder for single people in the work place to find new deep bonds because most companies have anti-fraternization policies. You are in the work place to serve the company objectives and not to find your soul mate.

So how do adults find new adult friends? Instead of feeling sorry for one's self, or accepting the negative habits of one's daily routine, an adult needs to "work" on expanding their horizons, forcing themselves to go out and meet new people at events or places that interest them. The easiest way to open a conversation with a stranger is to have something in common to start with . . . whether it is at a charity event, an art gallery opening, a play or a coffee shop. It is not just introverts that have problems overcoming the fear of rejection when meeting new people. Extroverts have to check their energy levels so as to stop from coming off as a blow-hard or bragger. Everyone knows that first impressions (within a minute or two) are the most important message signals between people. That added pressure to be liked also adds an equal level of anxiety. It is like an NFL kicker lining up a 55 yard field goal to win the game, but this time it is a personal game of life.

You cannot make someone like you or to be your friend. The physics of force (for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction) does not work in personal relationships. One can forcefully try to impress another person, but that may not give back an equal level of attraction, affection or curiosity. In some situations, when a person "tries too hard," it actually repels a person away.

People are creatures of their own comfort levels. However, if a comfort level in dealing with other people is set so low as to become a hermit, then it creates a level of distrust, depression, loneliness and desperation. Some people then lock themselves in their own fantasy worlds because they cannot emotionally cope with the real world (or the perception of how they have been treated by others). For every time a person turns down a friendship offer, it is like a knife being plunged between two ribs. We all get that Life is hard. It is full of choices and demands. Everyone's path is a different quest for the same benefits of acknowledgement, acceptance, appreciation, admiration and affection.

An article from Fast Company magazine tackled the issue of making adult friendships.

It stated that while social circles increase through early adulthood, friendship networks peak and start to decrease as you move through your twenties, according to a 2013 study published in Psychological Bulletin.  Researchers found that the drop in friendships was often due to marriage, parenthood, and a desire to focus on closer relationships.

Unfortunately close relationships aren’t guaranteed to last; a study by Utrecht University.  It found that we lose half our close friends every seven years and replace them with new relationships.

Factors include life changes such as moves, career transitions, relationship changes, and different life stages bring a shift in our friendships and frequently leave people  drifting apart. Researchers at BYU found that having too few friends is the equivalent mortality risk to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is riskier than obesity.

"When friendships themselves are healthy, they relieve stress, which is extremely beneficial for health. Most people find it hard to create a deep and meaningful friendship in adulthood, but it’s not so hard if you know what to do." says Robert Epstein, of the American Institute for Behavior Research and Technology.
 
To cultivate new friends, a person needs consistency. People like to have friends around for whom they can count on in good times and bad. In children, it is almost automatic because you go to school, summer camp and play outside with the other kids in the neighborhood until dinner is ready. Adults rarely have that kind of consistency outside of work.

Counselors suggests joining groups that meet on a regular basis, such as a associations, networking groups, book clubs, classes and workshop because when you join a group, the consistency is built in; people are already showing up without you having to invite them.

The trick is that the friendship is limited to its "container"—the group—until someone initiates gathering outside of it.  If friendships aren’t practiced outside of the container, they will most die when the activity or class ends. In other words, being friendly within the confines of a group does not equate to true friendship until you move a relationship outside the parameters of the initial contact group.

Counselors also think that one can use  friendship containers as long as possible, but the goal is to move out of them. Start small. Invite work friends out for lunch, happy hour or over to watch the game. The idea is to practice doing other stuff together, and glue more pieces of your lives to each other,. It can take six to eight experiences with someone before you feel like you made a friend.

To deepen relationships, research says you must be willing to be open yourself up to personal topics and disclosures. Vulnerability is the key to emotional bonding, without which relationships tend to feel superficial and meaningless.

Children are naturally put into situations in which they feel vulnerable, such as school, sporting events or on stage in front of a crowded room of parents and classmates. Adults should look for similar scenarios.

If you can put yourself and potential friends in a place of vulnerability, people tend feel needy and provide occasions for other people to provide comfort or support. An example would be to volunteer or get part-time work at a hospital or a charity.

There are times where life circumstances can lead to friendships. A single experience—such as meeting on a vacation—can produce a deep friendship that lasts a lifetime because the experience itself opens people up to share their experiences, opinions and goals. Strangers that become humanized in the eye of someone are no longer strangers. The mind's protective mechanism for protecting against danger is muted by trust.

When you are building friendships, it is important to, work hard to keep the communication upbeat. "Be conscious about the value and joy you're adding to the other person," counselors advise. And that is what friendships are about: adding positive value to a person's life. The quality of friendships help bring out the best in an individual. It is that mutuality of friendship that helps develop close bonds.

This site has written in the past about the main LOST characters and friendships. If there was a takeaway from the Ending would be the reunion was symbolic representation of the characters mutual friendships. And the series journey could be summed up as the path toward true friendships.

A common trait of the main characters was a lack of pre-island friends.

Jack apparently had no real friends. Even when he stood up to the bullies in the schoolyard, and got beaten badly for it, no one stood up for him. It seems that Jack had no siblings. His father was not a friend, but a rival. Even at the hospital, it appeared that Jack was friendly with his colleagues but spent no time with anyone outside of work. And it also was shown that Jack did not have a social life outside of the hospital. It was his "miracle" surgery for Sarah that gave him a girlfriend, then a spouse, then a bitter divorce because Jack lacked the social skills to handle a marital friendship.

Sawyer also appears to be a single child. When his parents were killed, Sawyer is comforted by his uncle. We can assume that Sawyer was then raised with his cousins, but there was no lasting bonds between family members. This was probably because Sawyer had vowed to kill the man that caused his family turmoil. As a result, he turned himself into a lone wolf, an avenger. As a con man, he purposely kept his personal life from his professional thefts. The closest thing he had to a relationship was the ill-fitting, ill-advised fling with Cassiday, one of his marks gone bad. He left her and his infant child to complete his quest of vengeance. We can assume that when Sawyer left the island, he did not return to have a life or relationship with Cassiday since she was not with him in his final journey at the church reunion.

Kate was a popular child because she was the typical girl-next-door, tomboy.We know of one childhood friend, Tom Brennan, the boy who got in trouble with her when she tried to steal a lunchbox. Later, when Kate returned to visit her mother in the hospital, Tom, now a married doctor with a small son, helped Kate get past security. When she confronted her mother seeking support for what she had done (killed her father in an explosion), her mother yelled for security. In the police chase, Tom was killed by a police bullet. One could assume that Kate, an only child, placed her mother as her best friend. When all of her classmates moved on with their lives and their dreams, Kate did not grow or leave her mother's side. Tom, who clearly believed Kate was his first puppy love, did not realize that Kate was not a true friend but merely used him like she did with the other men in her life on the run. She came close to finding friendship with another broken woman, Cassiday, who helped cause a diversion for Kate's escape. Kate never knew of Cassiday's relationship with Sawyer, but Cassiday and her shared one thing in common: the free spirit adventure of living near the edge.

Locke was another only child. But his case was different. He was abandoned by his parents at birth. His mother was institutionalized for mental illness. His father fled to be a con man, and eventually destroying Sawyer's family in the process. Locke always pushed to fit in. In school, he wanted to be part of the "popular" group which would have been the jocks. But his intellect was more science. When counseled to follow an academic path, Locke rebelled to find himself outside any group: academic or sports. He was moved to various foster homes, but never had strong relationships with the other children in those households. Throughout his life, he continued to try to find a substitute family to the discouragement of making normal, traditional friends. He would work odd jobs and have colleagues at work, but we never saw him interact with co-workers outside the work place. Locke was a true loaner but also a odd dreamer. He was quick to abandon a situation if it did not work out like he thought it should. He felt trapped and cursed by Life itself. He thought joining a commune would bring him the sense of family and belonging. But even that was a bitter illusion (as the commune was merely a front from drug manufacturer and distribution.) The only person who would accept him was Helen, a woman he met at an anger management meeting. They began to have a relationship outside of the group. Within six months, the romance had blossomed to the point where Locke gave her a key to his apartment. However, Helen knew that Locke was obsessed with tracking down his father and establishing a potential disappointing relationship with him. Helen accepted the key only if Locke would abandon is mission to connect with his father. Locke lied to her, which led to their break-up. Locke lacked the social skills to realize that Helen was the best thing he would ever find in his life. When his father broke his heart, and then his spine, Locke used to call a phone worker "Helen" as a coping mechanism to his loneliness. When Locke was ready to take his great adventure, the walkabout, he did not have a friend to share that experience. And when the operator denied him his outback adventure, it was clear that Locke's dreams died as a lonely, middle aged man. This was bitterly confirmed when no one showed up at Locke's funeral. It was also ironic that in the sideways universe, he was happily together with Helen - - - but at the final reunion, Helen was not part of it (causing one to surmise that the sideways world was a fantasy-dream state).

Hurley had a more normal friendship path. He grew up and he was very close to his father. But he was extremely hurt when his father abandoned his family; he started to eat to compensate for his loss. Even so, Hurley was still able to make acquaintances and friends because of his likeable and non-threatening personality. We know that he had at least 22 friends because he was on the deck that collapsed which led to his guilt and mental institutional treatment. But even after the accident, he still had friends. His best friend was Johnny, who he would hang out with outside of work. Hurley was also friendly with a record store clerk, Starla. In fact, Hurley got the courage to ask her out on a date. But his relationship quickly soured when Johnny got upset that Hurley failed to share his lottery win secret with him. As a result, Johnny left him and started dating Starla. Hurley was convinced that the lottery win had cursed him. The numbers he played were from one of his mental institution buddies, Lenny. But Hurley's "best" friend was his imaginary friend, Dave. Dave made many appearances during the series, including one on the island which he almost got Hurley to jump off a cliff to end the illusion that he was living. Hurley was stopped by Lilly, the girlfriend he met on the island (but in a contradiction, she was seen as a mental patient in Hurley's same day room at Santa Rosa). Hurley never recognized her as a former patient which has always been a plot point problem.  As with many people, as Hurley grew older, he had less friends because he feared that bad things would happen to people around him. Like Locke, Hurley went alone on his quest to find the meaning of the numbers. He had no one he could trust with his secrets or feelings even though he got along well around other people.

Ben had a tragic childhood. His mother died at his birth, and his alcoholic father blamed him for it. His father apparently moved from odd job to odd job until he landed a position on the island. Ben came to the island as a polite 8 year old child. In the Dharma school, he met one friend, Annie, who gave him a present she made (two dolls of their likeness). Ben seemed to be a social introvert: quiet and reposed. It seemed he did not seek out friendships, but to hide in the shadows (to keep away from the wrath of his father). It seems as a boy he made a connection with Richard Alpert, one of the Others, who marveled that he could see his dead mother on the island. This gave Ben one thing to look forward to: leaving his father to become a member of the Others.  He probably thought that he could make more lasting friends in the Others camp than staying with in the rigid confines of the Dharma collective. It also appears that Annie left the island during the Incident, when women and children were evacuated by Dr. Chang. At that point, Ben lost his only friend. Ben thought he did not need friends to become powerful and respected by other people. He did not want to be a low level janitor spit upon by those in leadership roles. He wanted to command the respect of people around him. When he joined the Others, he found the same constraints as in the Dharma world. He loathed Charles Widmore because of his indifference to defenseless children. Ben's first act of defiance was saving Alex, whom he then raised as his own daughter.

So when Flight 815 crashed on the island, most of the main characters on LOST were at the crossroad of their life, staring down the path of loneliness and depressive regrets.  Even Bernard and Rose were struggling to beat her terminal cancer - -  for Bernard, losing Rose would be losing his own life. Jin and Sun's relationship had soured to the point that Sun was willing to flee her spouse and her rich family. Michael was a man without stateside friends when he picked up his son, Walt, in Australia after his mother had passed on. Walt also appeared to be a sullen, quiet and friendless child (in some ways mirrors Ben's story line). It was only after Walt left the island and lived with his grandmother, did Walt is seen in the company of school friends living a normal life (so much so that Locke decided against trying to bring him back to the island).

For the vast majority of main characters, the island was shocking life event that allowed adult strangers, through mutual adversity, to make new friends - - - the most friends each character ever had in their lifetime. And as friends, they laughed, cried, fought, argued, worked together, solved problems and had their intimate moments. In one respect, the island and the survivors were what most of the characters had been secretly longing for in their past lives: a sense of belonging, a sense of family structure, a support system, mutual caring, mutual security, a sense of community and purpose.