"It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory."- - - Paulo Coelho
People are often filled with regrets. Regrets are the lingering pain from experience. A bad break-up can haunt a person for years. The memories and "what I did wrong" without answers can led to life long fears and depression. It takes a conscious effort to erase the past in order to move on into the future.
Some LOST characters were paralyzed by their pasts. Many were haunted by abandonment issues. Many were haunted by "daddy" or parent issues. Many believed they were abused. Many believed that they were chosen by fate to have lousy lives. Many believed they were be punished for no apparent reason.
Many characters wanted to escape their present circumstances. Many dreamed of grand adventures. Many believed that they had godlike skills. Many thought they could turn back the clock and change their past.
But in the end, none of them could change their pasts. The only thing they could do was to wake up and acknowledge their past life . . . and accept it. Accept the consequences of their own actions. Release their regrets and anger against others. To purge themselves of guilt. Free themselves of their own self-pity.
Otherwise, they will continue to rot from the inside to become soul less loners who would contribute nothing to society. They would be crippled by their own memories of a past that was re-written to make them more and more the victim. Victimization can lead to withdrawal and paranoia. It can lead to anti-social behavior. It can lead to a life of perpetual misery.
That is why so many people rely on therapists to help them through their issues. They need to talk their way out of their plight. They need someone to throw them a life preserver. They need someone who believes in them.
LOST's island life was not the true life preserver for the main characters. It was more an amplifier of their fears, anxieties, emotional darkness and loss of life. The island experiences did not set the characters "free" of their memories. No, it reinforced them in a negative way. In some people, like Ben, it emboldened them to act in a more negative manner. Their internal monster's thoughts became a raging real life monster. That is not personal growth but personal destruction because they could not free themselves of the negative memories of their past.
You need to realize that the past is hurting you in the present in order to stop painful memories from stopping you from becoming a better person. We don't think any of the main characters got past their past when they reunited in the church. It seemed like an awkward 25th year high school reunion of long lost strangers than a pivotal change in their lives.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
THE INTERNET AND PAIN
"I love the Internet because every piece of true pain I've experienced
as an adult — with the exception of death in the family and breakups —
has come from it." - - - actress Lena Dunham
When a public figure acknowledges that the world around her is a painful place, but then accepts the pain as being part of her public life, there is some profound truth that rises to the surface of our collective intelligence.
The Internet is a vast, open world. But it really is a tool, a utility, to help people communicate thoughts and ideas. However, it has turned into a dark space where trolls, haters, criminals and weak-minded prey on the lives of more fortunate people. High school bullying has gone from the playground to the global stage.
Since the Internet is an all-consuming place, people can get lost in this world just as an intense gamer can get lost for days or weeks in a open world multi-player epic console game.
Then the lines of reality and virtual reality blur.
People need connections to other people. People need real connections to other people, and not virtual, cliche or fake connections. Friends are different than acquaintances, but on the web more and more people fall into the latter category because they don't do anything else together expect exchange messages or photo tags.
Since the daily interaction with the network and the people who you friend becomes more important, the ability to hurt one another grows exponentially. People can be meaner because you don't have to be face-to-face to hurt someone. There is a growing segment of people out on the net with the sole purpose to hurt other people (most people they don't even know.)
There was a recent line from Dr. Who which is applicable here. "Hate is such a strong emotion that it should not be wasted on people you dislike."
Think about that.
If someone or something causes you pain, why continue to interact with it? Because someone or something (like the internet) has woven itself into your core principles, it occupies the center of your mind and thoughts, it makes you a complete being and it defines who you are as a person.
Life is filled with ups and downs, pain and pleasure. The management of those emotional highs and lows is what separates the good from the bad, from those who can cope and those in despair, those who hide from the world from those who live life to the fullest despite the painful pitfalls that the future may hold.
When a public figure acknowledges that the world around her is a painful place, but then accepts the pain as being part of her public life, there is some profound truth that rises to the surface of our collective intelligence.
The Internet is a vast, open world. But it really is a tool, a utility, to help people communicate thoughts and ideas. However, it has turned into a dark space where trolls, haters, criminals and weak-minded prey on the lives of more fortunate people. High school bullying has gone from the playground to the global stage.
Since the Internet is an all-consuming place, people can get lost in this world just as an intense gamer can get lost for days or weeks in a open world multi-player epic console game.
Then the lines of reality and virtual reality blur.
People need connections to other people. People need real connections to other people, and not virtual, cliche or fake connections. Friends are different than acquaintances, but on the web more and more people fall into the latter category because they don't do anything else together expect exchange messages or photo tags.
Since the daily interaction with the network and the people who you friend becomes more important, the ability to hurt one another grows exponentially. People can be meaner because you don't have to be face-to-face to hurt someone. There is a growing segment of people out on the net with the sole purpose to hurt other people (most people they don't even know.)
There was a recent line from Dr. Who which is applicable here. "Hate is such a strong emotion that it should not be wasted on people you dislike."
Think about that.
If someone or something causes you pain, why continue to interact with it? Because someone or something (like the internet) has woven itself into your core principles, it occupies the center of your mind and thoughts, it makes you a complete being and it defines who you are as a person.
Life is filled with ups and downs, pain and pleasure. The management of those emotional highs and lows is what separates the good from the bad, from those who can cope and those in despair, those who hide from the world from those who live life to the fullest despite the painful pitfalls that the future may hold.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
RELATIONSHIP BREAK UPS
The series had several emotional break-ups. How people react to this stressful situation added drama to the show. Such situations mirror real life.
Chances are good that you’ve already experienced a romantic break-up or two. Pairing up and eventually parting ways is part and parcel of the romantic experience. Nothing remarkable about that, right? Well, what happens after breakups, and the significant difference between how men and women handle them, is sufficiently fraught that some researchers have dedicated their whole academic careers to studying the phenomenon.
Craig Morris Ph.D., professor of anthropology at Binghamton University, is one such person. As lead researcher on a study recently published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, he revealed that women experience more emotional pain after a breakup, but they recover more fully recover than men, who simply move on.
When 5,705 participants in 96 countries were asked to rate the pain of a breakup on a scale of 1 (none) to 10 (unbearable), women reported higher levels of physical and emotional pain, but they became emotionally stronger afterward. Men never fully recovered.
Morris ascribes the differences to biology. “Put simply, women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than a man,” he says. For our female ancestors (and even today), the briefest encounter with a male could lead to long-term consequences like pregnancy and child-rearing. “It’s this ‘risk’ of higher biological investment that, over evolutionary time, has made women choosier about selecting a high-quality mate. Hence, the loss of a relationship hurts.”
For men, who have evolved to compete for the romantic attention of women, the loss of a high-quality mate might not hurt as much at first, says Morris. “The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it sinks in that he must start competing all over again to replace what he has lost—or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable.”
Studying breakups, specifically the grieving process attached to them, is an important academic focus says Morris, because most of us will have already experienced an average of three breakups by age 30, not to mention a divorce rate that still hovering around 50%. At least one of these breakups will be devastating enough that it will affect our quality of life.
“People lose jobs, students withdraw from classes, and individuals can initiate extremely self-destructive behavior patterns following a breakup,” Morris says. The damaging effects can call for specific interventions.
Grace Larson, now a graduate student at Northwestern University, wondered whether participating in a study post-breakup would hurt or help participants heal. In a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, Larson and the team of researchers at University of Arizona looked at “self-concept reorganization,” the process of seeing and defining oneself separate from one’s ex. Asking the participants to reflect on their relationships helped them build a stronger sense of who they were as single people.
The methods used to measure well-being and coping did improve the participants’ well-being, although the researchers can’t say for sure which aspects of the study caused the changes. It may relate to participants thinking about their breakups from a distanced perspective, says Larson. Or, “it might be simply the effect of repeatedly reflecting on one’s experience and crafting a narrative, especially a narrative that includes the part of the story where one recovers.”
For those struggling with the aftershocks of a relationship, Larson suggests finding ways to regularly reflect on the recovery process. “For instance, a person could complete weekly check-ins related to his or her emotions and reactions to the breakup and record them in a journal,” she says, or write about the process of the breakup as though talking to a stranger about it.
Rebuilding a clear and independent concept of yourself appears to be the biggest force for recovery, so Larson suggests that anyone who’s recently experienced a breakup should consider who he or she is, apart from the relationship. “If that person can reflect on the aspects of him- or herself that he or she may have neglected during the relationship but can now nurture once again, this might be particularly helpful.”
Morris recommends that men and women going through heartbreak reach out to friends and family. “Immerse themselves in literature on the topic. Reflect on things that they did (and more likely did not do) wrong. Most importantly, realize that they are not alone.”
Chances are good that you’ve already experienced a romantic break-up or two. Pairing up and eventually parting ways is part and parcel of the romantic experience. Nothing remarkable about that, right? Well, what happens after breakups, and the significant difference between how men and women handle them, is sufficiently fraught that some researchers have dedicated their whole academic careers to studying the phenomenon.
Craig Morris Ph.D., professor of anthropology at Binghamton University, is one such person. As lead researcher on a study recently published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, he revealed that women experience more emotional pain after a breakup, but they recover more fully recover than men, who simply move on.
When 5,705 participants in 96 countries were asked to rate the pain of a breakup on a scale of 1 (none) to 10 (unbearable), women reported higher levels of physical and emotional pain, but they became emotionally stronger afterward. Men never fully recovered.
Morris ascribes the differences to biology. “Put simply, women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than a man,” he says. For our female ancestors (and even today), the briefest encounter with a male could lead to long-term consequences like pregnancy and child-rearing. “It’s this ‘risk’ of higher biological investment that, over evolutionary time, has made women choosier about selecting a high-quality mate. Hence, the loss of a relationship hurts.”
For men, who have evolved to compete for the romantic attention of women, the loss of a high-quality mate might not hurt as much at first, says Morris. “The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it sinks in that he must start competing all over again to replace what he has lost—or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable.”
Studying breakups, specifically the grieving process attached to them, is an important academic focus says Morris, because most of us will have already experienced an average of three breakups by age 30, not to mention a divorce rate that still hovering around 50%. At least one of these breakups will be devastating enough that it will affect our quality of life.
“People lose jobs, students withdraw from classes, and individuals can initiate extremely self-destructive behavior patterns following a breakup,” Morris says. The damaging effects can call for specific interventions.
Grace Larson, now a graduate student at Northwestern University, wondered whether participating in a study post-breakup would hurt or help participants heal. In a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, Larson and the team of researchers at University of Arizona looked at “self-concept reorganization,” the process of seeing and defining oneself separate from one’s ex. Asking the participants to reflect on their relationships helped them build a stronger sense of who they were as single people.
The methods used to measure well-being and coping did improve the participants’ well-being, although the researchers can’t say for sure which aspects of the study caused the changes. It may relate to participants thinking about their breakups from a distanced perspective, says Larson. Or, “it might be simply the effect of repeatedly reflecting on one’s experience and crafting a narrative, especially a narrative that includes the part of the story where one recovers.”
For those struggling with the aftershocks of a relationship, Larson suggests finding ways to regularly reflect on the recovery process. “For instance, a person could complete weekly check-ins related to his or her emotions and reactions to the breakup and record them in a journal,” she says, or write about the process of the breakup as though talking to a stranger about it.
Rebuilding a clear and independent concept of yourself appears to be the biggest force for recovery, so Larson suggests that anyone who’s recently experienced a breakup should consider who he or she is, apart from the relationship. “If that person can reflect on the aspects of him- or herself that he or she may have neglected during the relationship but can now nurture once again, this might be particularly helpful.”
Morris recommends that men and women going through heartbreak reach out to friends and family. “Immerse themselves in literature on the topic. Reflect on things that they did (and more likely did not do) wrong. Most importantly, realize that they are not alone.”
Saturday, August 29, 2015
PRIORITIES AND PAIN
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
― Mark Twain
Relationships may be the hardest work human beings do.
Attraction is almost involuntary. Becoming a loving couple is intentional.
If one person promises to make the other person in their life their number one priority, that is viewed as an unconditional commitment. But what if the other person is not at the same place in their relationship? Things can quickly turn to a disaster.
Part of building a strong relationship is peeling away the layers of personal illusion (the fantasies, the desires, the dreams of what each individual wants in his/her life, and life partner), and building in its place, a solid foundation of love, trust and respect for the other person.
If one gets ahead of the other, he will be tearing a part his soul with nothing to replace the missing pieces - - - - and he will become empty inside.
The best in Life is a series of layered, shared experiences. If you can draw the best out of another person, you should be with that person. The little differences, the arguments, the misunderstandings, can easily be balanced through simple, honest and open communication. Working things out is one of the great "shared" experiences that help couples grow fonder and foster a deeper bond between them.
Relationships may be the hardest work human beings do.
Attraction is almost involuntary. Becoming a loving couple is intentional.
If one person promises to make the other person in their life their number one priority, that is viewed as an unconditional commitment. But what if the other person is not at the same place in their relationship? Things can quickly turn to a disaster.
Part of building a strong relationship is peeling away the layers of personal illusion (the fantasies, the desires, the dreams of what each individual wants in his/her life, and life partner), and building in its place, a solid foundation of love, trust and respect for the other person.
If one gets ahead of the other, he will be tearing a part his soul with nothing to replace the missing pieces - - - - and he will become empty inside.
The best in Life is a series of layered, shared experiences. If you can draw the best out of another person, you should be with that person. The little differences, the arguments, the misunderstandings, can easily be balanced through simple, honest and open communication. Working things out is one of the great "shared" experiences that help couples grow fonder and foster a deeper bond between them.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
DEAD TWICE
The British newspaper, The Independent, reported the death experiences of a man who "died" twice, once after a motorcycle accident and once after a drug overdose. In both cases, his experience was exactly the same.
On the sensation of death itself:
"I had no idea, it was just black emptiness. No thoughts, no consciousness, nothing.
"Both times I was just "not there". It was just all black. I would describe it as when you take a nap. A short nap with no dream, you wake up and it feels like you've been sleeping a long time, when in reality it's only been about 15 minutes.
"The only reason I know is because the doctors were obligated to share the information with me. "So yeah, you were dead for a couple of minutes, just FYI" hahaha.
"So if the doctors wouldn't have said anything I would've just thought that I took a dreamless nap."
On the experience itself:
"It was definitely not just a gap. Much like a dreamless nap, you don't just wake up and feel like time just jumped ahead. You know that you've been asleep for a while. At the same time, you can't really remember experiencing anything at all, unless you had a dream.
"So yes and no. I experienced something, and that something was nothing."
On his religious viewpoint and his experiences being dead:
"I have always been an atheist, but I have always had a part of me that hoped there was a God or Heaven or something greater than us. I mean, who wouldn't want there to be a Heaven?
"I am still an atheist, and now I know that there is no such thing as God or Heaven. At least not for me. My reasoning behind that is no God would ever put a person and family through such a experience.
"I am an Atheist, and always will be. But I believe that your belief is your belief. The only thing we can share is our own experiences and let people make up their own mind. People need to stop forcing their own beliefs onto others."
On death itself:
"Death is death. Once your dead, that's it, it's over."
This is an report of one person, whose statements cannot be confirmed by science. However, when dealing with such experiences in the past, medical providers have been told by other "dead" patients of seeing a white light and a sense of being floating upward.
It may be a question of subconscious belief memories kicking in as a defense mechanism.
But if this man's account is taken as fact, then the premise of LOST, with its life and death symbolism such as the sideways world, is totally false. It would bring the premise of the series more in line with the dream state or coma theories, where the brain is still processing information to the conscious self.
On the sensation of death itself:
"I had no idea, it was just black emptiness. No thoughts, no consciousness, nothing.
"Both times I was just "not there". It was just all black. I would describe it as when you take a nap. A short nap with no dream, you wake up and it feels like you've been sleeping a long time, when in reality it's only been about 15 minutes.
"The only reason I know is because the doctors were obligated to share the information with me. "So yeah, you were dead for a couple of minutes, just FYI" hahaha.
"So if the doctors wouldn't have said anything I would've just thought that I took a dreamless nap."
On the experience itself:
"It was definitely not just a gap. Much like a dreamless nap, you don't just wake up and feel like time just jumped ahead. You know that you've been asleep for a while. At the same time, you can't really remember experiencing anything at all, unless you had a dream.
"So yes and no. I experienced something, and that something was nothing."
On his religious viewpoint and his experiences being dead:
"I have always been an atheist, but I have always had a part of me that hoped there was a God or Heaven or something greater than us. I mean, who wouldn't want there to be a Heaven?
"I am still an atheist, and now I know that there is no such thing as God or Heaven. At least not for me. My reasoning behind that is no God would ever put a person and family through such a experience.
"I am an Atheist, and always will be. But I believe that your belief is your belief. The only thing we can share is our own experiences and let people make up their own mind. People need to stop forcing their own beliefs onto others."
On death itself:
"Death is death. Once your dead, that's it, it's over."
This is an report of one person, whose statements cannot be confirmed by science. However, when dealing with such experiences in the past, medical providers have been told by other "dead" patients of seeing a white light and a sense of being floating upward.
It may be a question of subconscious belief memories kicking in as a defense mechanism.
But if this man's account is taken as fact, then the premise of LOST, with its life and death symbolism such as the sideways world, is totally false. It would bring the premise of the series more in line with the dream state or coma theories, where the brain is still processing information to the conscious self.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
BEN'S MANTRA
The writers were themselves lost in how to keep a critical darling of daring story telling sharp and new episode to episode. In various hits and misses (see, Nikki and Paulo), Ben captured the real danger of a mad man against the basically naive and overconfident surviviors.
As an adult, Ben sought power and control because those things were never a part of his childhood. He became so obsessed with changing his depressing, measly little life that he snapped and committed mass homicide in order to become the leader of the Others.
How can a shy, innocent boy turn into a mass murderer? Then why could many viewers be drawn into his character so much to call him their favorite?
Ben was extremely possessive of the objects, information and people around him. You can see a god-like demeanor in his thought processes, much like a Sim City game player has the god-like authority to build or destroy his town and people at will.
Since Ben did not have a great childhood, he wanted the things normal children had like possessions, objects, toys and adventures. So as an adult, those lost events wormed their way into his dark mind. Instead of material toys, he collected people to do his bidding. If he wanted a fertility specialist like Juliet, he would kidnap her. If he needed a spinal surgeon, he would bribe, manipulate and torture people to get cooperation. Everything around him was his to do what he liked . . . that was Ben's world view.
But at the same time, he pledged some sort of alliance with Jacob, the island master. But we don't think Ben ever saw or spoke to Jacob during Ben's leadership of the Others. We believe that he only got the information from Alpert, and took the myth and manipulated the Others to follow him. He controlled the natives by claiming to be the word of Jacob, when in fact, that was probably a lie.
It was only when Ben actually met Jacob with Flocke, that Ben broke down and his anger swelled enough to kill Jacob with a magic knife. As such, it doomed Ben to his own island damnation until out of pity, he was spared his own death.
Whether that single act of kindness which he never had during his life "changed" Ben to really become "one of the good guys" is not absolutely clear, but he did move the side to allow Jack and Hurley to take the position he most coveted - - - island guardian. Since he could never control the one thing he desired his entire life, the island, Ben at some point was at peace. It did not make up for all the bad things he did in his life, but at least now he realized the errors of his ways. Errors that would never be punished, even in the sideways after life.
Monday, February 24, 2014
PAIN AND SUFFERING
“
In life as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet..
”
— Alice Abrams
The ability of a drama to convey the sense of danger and personal perseverance is key to a complete story.
One of the strange issues with the LOST story was the apparent lack of pain and suffering the characters went through during the series. Granted, there were a few characters who showed real pain from their injuries, such as the Marshal, Boone's fall, and the various gunshot wounds. But all in all, there was very little physical pain or suffering shown on the show.
For example, we never saw the survivors collapsing due to dehydration or lack of water.
We never saw the survivors starving or having the painful symptoms of malnutrition.
We never saw the survivors catch serious tropical illnesses, exhibit high fevers or infections from
animal bites that would be present in long term tropical environments.
In fact, the harsh setting of an isolated island did little physical harm to the characters. In fact, the fourth wall was brought down when someone asked why Hurley was not losing any weight after weeks on the island with limited resources.
The pain and suffering was mostly emotional stress and psychological manipulation.
There is a gap between expected physical wear and tear on the characters and the actual scenes in the series. Yes, it was a television show on regular sets and the cast was not subject to the real rigors of being stranded on a tropical island. But one would have thought that common sense drama would have been more front and center in show, especially when it was actually discussed in the original writer's guide.
Was it the island itself, with its unstated (but selective) healing properties that kept the pain and suffering down to a minimum. Did the candidates get special immunization just by being candidates? Or was it a conscious choice by the producers not to have the "downer" scripts too long to the PSA's about starving children in Africa that run during local late night TV commercial breaks. It was probably the latter.
— Alice Abrams
The ability of a drama to convey the sense of danger and personal perseverance is key to a complete story.
One of the strange issues with the LOST story was the apparent lack of pain and suffering the characters went through during the series. Granted, there were a few characters who showed real pain from their injuries, such as the Marshal, Boone's fall, and the various gunshot wounds. But all in all, there was very little physical pain or suffering shown on the show.
For example, we never saw the survivors collapsing due to dehydration or lack of water.
We never saw the survivors starving or having the painful symptoms of malnutrition.
We never saw the survivors catch serious tropical illnesses, exhibit high fevers or infections from
animal bites that would be present in long term tropical environments.
In fact, the harsh setting of an isolated island did little physical harm to the characters. In fact, the fourth wall was brought down when someone asked why Hurley was not losing any weight after weeks on the island with limited resources.
The pain and suffering was mostly emotional stress and psychological manipulation.
There is a gap between expected physical wear and tear on the characters and the actual scenes in the series. Yes, it was a television show on regular sets and the cast was not subject to the real rigors of being stranded on a tropical island. But one would have thought that common sense drama would have been more front and center in show, especially when it was actually discussed in the original writer's guide.
Was it the island itself, with its unstated (but selective) healing properties that kept the pain and suffering down to a minimum. Did the candidates get special immunization just by being candidates? Or was it a conscious choice by the producers not to have the "downer" scripts too long to the PSA's about starving children in Africa that run during local late night TV commercial breaks. It was probably the latter.
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