There is one bad theme that ran throughout the LOST story lines.
Bad parents.
The affect of parents' treatment of their child had a dramatic effect on how that character was as an adult.
Jack's father never gave him the praise or encouragement Jack needed in order to complete his socialization process. As a result, Jack was not capable of having strong relationships with other people. His displeasure for his father's treatment of him was transferred onto other people he cared about when he was an adult.
Sayid was pushed into being a man as a child. He had to kill the chicken when his older brother could not do it. Sayid was trapped into following authoritative directions. He lost his own free will to serve his superiors (his father, his army commander). As a result, he did things he did not want to do (torture people) and to give up any dreams he had for his future (Nadia).
On the other hand, Hurley's dad's abandonment of him caused Hurley to develop a severe introversion with other people. Even when he had the courage to socialize, it was with the fear of rejection and abandonment. When the store clerk he liked ditched him for his best friend, Hurley's only escape was into his own dream world, a safe place where he could not get hurt.
Sawyer's mother and father ruined his life. His mother was conned out of the family savings, and his father went nuts by a murder-suicide with his wife instead of trying to rebuild his family trust and savings. That led Sawyer to a life of crime and revenge that de-humanized him to become the person he hated the most in the world, the con man Cooper.
Kate's parents divorced when she was a baby. Her mother fooled her into believing her second husband was her father. This deception led Kate not to trust men but to use them as puppets in her own bizarre rebellion. Kate's situation led her to a life of refusing to take responsibility for her actions, and to run away from her problems like her parents did when they divorced.
Jin and Sun were opposites tied together by their hatred for their family class status. Jin fled his poor fishing village life to vow that he would become a rich man. Sun rebelled against her strict, patronizing industrialist-criminal father. She would never get the status or position in the family business because of her gender. She took satisfaction that her father could not stand her taking a poor man like Jin as her lover. But she mistook Jin's desire for wealth over true love when he turned into her father's lackey. There relationship was based more on fighting back against their parentage than true feelings for others. In a way, there childish selfishness against being like their parents was their demise. No one can believe that one parent would orphan their child by drowning in a submarine; death was better than being a single parent?
Locke's traumatic childhood was the deepest cut of all. He could not find the family that he was searching for. He was blinded by the thought of a perfect, suburban picket fence reunion with his real parents. But their loathsome self-absorbed personalities destroyed Locke for a second time. Locke was so beaten down by his upbringing that he could not see the one woman who truly cared for him. He was so bent on his past he could not live in the present. He lost his family and the one woman who loved him. He created his own destiny of being a poor, miserable, bitter man because of his parents abandonment of him as a baby.
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Monday, February 12, 2018
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
ADULT FRIENDSHIPS
A person has the most friends when they are young. Elementary school brings together hundreds of kids and sorts them into classes of 30 or so individuals. Team sports brings together more opportunity to add to the mix of individuals. Friendships form because kids work and play in the same environment, the school and the neighborhood. They are in contact with each other on an almost daily basis.
But as we grow older, friendships change like our individual interests. We may not realize at the time that time itself has begun to cull the friendship herd. You do not have enough hours in the day to socialize with everyone you know. Subsets of friends become more important to you.
Then, hormones take over and attraction to the opposite sex takes priority over the past. This further defines the parameters of one's social circle. Some women want their boyfriend's full and complete attention and affection. Some men want to maintain a level of freedom, going out with the guys to play sports or hang out. Everyone learns to find a balance between old friendships and demands of their most personal relationships.
Things change again when a person is out in "the real world." A job becomes a time consuming task master. Marriage and a family suddenly takes up all the old "free time." There is always something to do in one's home - - - from chores, cleaning, maintenance, kids activities and spousal duties. Even time alone on vacation becomes a logistics project. But those are the strongest bonds that can be made by an individual, in a family unit.
It is rare for adults to make many "new" friends. Colleagues at work may or may not get beyond the casual, professional co-worker status because everyone in the work place has settled into their own off-hours personal routine and lifestyle. It is harder for single people in the work place to find new deep bonds because most companies have anti-fraternization policies. You are in the work place to serve the company objectives and not to find your soul mate.
So how do adults find new adult friends? Instead of feeling sorry for one's self, or accepting the negative habits of one's daily routine, an adult needs to "work" on expanding their horizons, forcing themselves to go out and meet new people at events or places that interest them. The easiest way to open a conversation with a stranger is to have something in common to start with . . . whether it is at a charity event, an art gallery opening, a play or a coffee shop. It is not just introverts that have problems overcoming the fear of rejection when meeting new people. Extroverts have to check their energy levels so as to stop from coming off as a blow-hard or bragger. Everyone knows that first impressions (within a minute or two) are the most important message signals between people. That added pressure to be liked also adds an equal level of anxiety. It is like an NFL kicker lining up a 55 yard field goal to win the game, but this time it is a personal game of life.
You cannot make someone like you or to be your friend. The physics of force (for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction) does not work in personal relationships. One can forcefully try to impress another person, but that may not give back an equal level of attraction, affection or curiosity. In some situations, when a person "tries too hard," it actually repels a person away.
People are creatures of their own comfort levels. However, if a comfort level in dealing with other people is set so low as to become a hermit, then it creates a level of distrust, depression, loneliness and desperation. Some people then lock themselves in their own fantasy worlds because they cannot emotionally cope with the real world (or the perception of how they have been treated by others). For every time a person turns down a friendship offer, it is like a knife being plunged between two ribs. We all get that Life is hard. It is full of choices and demands. Everyone's path is a different quest for the same benefits of acknowledgement, acceptance, appreciation, admiration and affection.
An article from Fast Company magazine tackled the issue of making adult friendships.
It stated that while social circles increase through early adulthood, friendship networks peak and start to decrease as you move through your twenties, according to a 2013 study published in Psychological Bulletin. Researchers found that the drop in friendships was often due to marriage, parenthood, and a desire to focus on closer relationships.
Unfortunately close relationships aren’t guaranteed to last; a study by Utrecht University. It found that we lose half our close friends every seven years and replace them with new relationships.
Factors include life changes such as moves, career transitions, relationship changes, and different life stages bring a shift in our friendships and frequently leave people drifting apart. Researchers at BYU found that having too few friends is the equivalent mortality risk to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is riskier than obesity.
"When friendships themselves are healthy, they relieve stress, which is extremely beneficial for health. Most people find it hard to create a deep and meaningful friendship in adulthood, but it’s not so hard if you know what to do." says Robert Epstein, of the American Institute for Behavior Research and Technology.
To cultivate new friends, a person needs consistency. People like to have friends around for whom they can count on in good times and bad. In children, it is almost automatic because you go to school, summer camp and play outside with the other kids in the neighborhood until dinner is ready. Adults rarely have that kind of consistency outside of work.
Counselors suggests joining groups that meet on a regular basis, such as a associations, networking groups, book clubs, classes and workshop because when you join a group, the consistency is built in; people are already showing up without you having to invite them.
The trick is that the friendship is limited to its "container"—the group—until someone initiates gathering outside of it. If friendships aren’t practiced outside of the container, they will most die when the activity or class ends. In other words, being friendly within the confines of a group does not equate to true friendship until you move a relationship outside the parameters of the initial contact group.
Counselors also think that one can use friendship containers as long as possible, but the goal is to move out of them. Start small. Invite work friends out for lunch, happy hour or over to watch the game. The idea is to practice doing other stuff together, and glue more pieces of your lives to each other,. It can take six to eight experiences with someone before you feel like you made a friend.
To deepen relationships, research says you must be willing to be open yourself up to personal topics and disclosures. Vulnerability is the key to emotional bonding, without which relationships tend to feel superficial and meaningless.
Children are naturally put into situations in which they feel vulnerable, such as school, sporting events or on stage in front of a crowded room of parents and classmates. Adults should look for similar scenarios.
If you can put yourself and potential friends in a place of vulnerability, people tend feel needy and provide occasions for other people to provide comfort or support. An example would be to volunteer or get part-time work at a hospital or a charity.
There are times where life circumstances can lead to friendships. A single experience—such as meeting on a vacation—can produce a deep friendship that lasts a lifetime because the experience itself opens people up to share their experiences, opinions and goals. Strangers that become humanized in the eye of someone are no longer strangers. The mind's protective mechanism for protecting against danger is muted by trust.
When you are building friendships, it is important to, work hard to keep the communication upbeat. "Be conscious about the value and joy you're adding to the other person," counselors advise. And that is what friendships are about: adding positive value to a person's life. The quality of friendships help bring out the best in an individual. It is that mutuality of friendship that helps develop close bonds.
This site has written in the past about the main LOST characters and friendships. If there was a takeaway from the Ending would be the reunion was symbolic representation of the characters mutual friendships. And the series journey could be summed up as the path toward true friendships.
A common trait of the main characters was a lack of pre-island friends.
Jack apparently had no real friends. Even when he stood up to the bullies in the schoolyard, and got beaten badly for it, no one stood up for him. It seems that Jack had no siblings. His father was not a friend, but a rival. Even at the hospital, it appeared that Jack was friendly with his colleagues but spent no time with anyone outside of work. And it also was shown that Jack did not have a social life outside of the hospital. It was his "miracle" surgery for Sarah that gave him a girlfriend, then a spouse, then a bitter divorce because Jack lacked the social skills to handle a marital friendship.
Sawyer also appears to be a single child. When his parents were killed, Sawyer is comforted by his uncle. We can assume that Sawyer was then raised with his cousins, but there was no lasting bonds between family members. This was probably because Sawyer had vowed to kill the man that caused his family turmoil. As a result, he turned himself into a lone wolf, an avenger. As a con man, he purposely kept his personal life from his professional thefts. The closest thing he had to a relationship was the ill-fitting, ill-advised fling with Cassiday, one of his marks gone bad. He left her and his infant child to complete his quest of vengeance. We can assume that when Sawyer left the island, he did not return to have a life or relationship with Cassiday since she was not with him in his final journey at the church reunion.
Kate was a popular child because she was the typical girl-next-door, tomboy.We know of one childhood friend, Tom Brennan, the boy who got in trouble with her when she tried to steal a lunchbox. Later, when Kate returned to visit her mother in the hospital, Tom, now a married doctor with a small son, helped Kate get past security. When she confronted her mother seeking support for what she had done (killed her father in an explosion), her mother yelled for security. In the police chase, Tom was killed by a police bullet. One could assume that Kate, an only child, placed her mother as her best friend. When all of her classmates moved on with their lives and their dreams, Kate did not grow or leave her mother's side. Tom, who clearly believed Kate was his first puppy love, did not realize that Kate was not a true friend but merely used him like she did with the other men in her life on the run. She came close to finding friendship with another broken woman, Cassiday, who helped cause a diversion for Kate's escape. Kate never knew of Cassiday's relationship with Sawyer, but Cassiday and her shared one thing in common: the free spirit adventure of living near the edge.
Locke was another only child. But his case was different. He was abandoned by his parents at birth. His mother was institutionalized for mental illness. His father fled to be a con man, and eventually destroying Sawyer's family in the process. Locke always pushed to fit in. In school, he wanted to be part of the "popular" group which would have been the jocks. But his intellect was more science. When counseled to follow an academic path, Locke rebelled to find himself outside any group: academic or sports. He was moved to various foster homes, but never had strong relationships with the other children in those households. Throughout his life, he continued to try to find a substitute family to the discouragement of making normal, traditional friends. He would work odd jobs and have colleagues at work, but we never saw him interact with co-workers outside the work place. Locke was a true loaner but also a odd dreamer. He was quick to abandon a situation if it did not work out like he thought it should. He felt trapped and cursed by Life itself. He thought joining a commune would bring him the sense of family and belonging. But even that was a bitter illusion (as the commune was merely a front from drug manufacturer and distribution.) The only person who would accept him was Helen, a woman he met at an anger management meeting. They began to have a relationship outside of the group. Within six months, the romance had blossomed to the point where Locke gave her a key to his apartment. However, Helen knew that Locke was obsessed with tracking down his father and establishing a potential disappointing relationship with him. Helen accepted the key only if Locke would abandon is mission to connect with his father. Locke lied to her, which led to their break-up. Locke lacked the social skills to realize that Helen was the best thing he would ever find in his life. When his father broke his heart, and then his spine, Locke used to call a phone worker "Helen" as a coping mechanism to his loneliness. When Locke was ready to take his great adventure, the walkabout, he did not have a friend to share that experience. And when the operator denied him his outback adventure, it was clear that Locke's dreams died as a lonely, middle aged man. This was bitterly confirmed when no one showed up at Locke's funeral. It was also ironic that in the sideways universe, he was happily together with Helen - - - but at the final reunion, Helen was not part of it (causing one to surmise that the sideways world was a fantasy-dream state).
Hurley had a more normal friendship path. He grew up and he was very close to his father. But he was extremely hurt when his father abandoned his family; he started to eat to compensate for his loss. Even so, Hurley was still able to make acquaintances and friends because of his likeable and non-threatening personality. We know that he had at least 22 friends because he was on the deck that collapsed which led to his guilt and mental institutional treatment. But even after the accident, he still had friends. His best friend was Johnny, who he would hang out with outside of work. Hurley was also friendly with a record store clerk, Starla. In fact, Hurley got the courage to ask her out on a date. But his relationship quickly soured when Johnny got upset that Hurley failed to share his lottery win secret with him. As a result, Johnny left him and started dating Starla. Hurley was convinced that the lottery win had cursed him. The numbers he played were from one of his mental institution buddies, Lenny. But Hurley's "best" friend was his imaginary friend, Dave. Dave made many appearances during the series, including one on the island which he almost got Hurley to jump off a cliff to end the illusion that he was living. Hurley was stopped by Lilly, the girlfriend he met on the island (but in a contradiction, she was seen as a mental patient in Hurley's same day room at Santa Rosa). Hurley never recognized her as a former patient which has always been a plot point problem. As with many people, as Hurley grew older, he had less friends because he feared that bad things would happen to people around him. Like Locke, Hurley went alone on his quest to find the meaning of the numbers. He had no one he could trust with his secrets or feelings even though he got along well around other people.
Ben had a tragic childhood. His mother died at his birth, and his alcoholic father blamed him for it. His father apparently moved from odd job to odd job until he landed a position on the island. Ben came to the island as a polite 8 year old child. In the Dharma school, he met one friend, Annie, who gave him a present she made (two dolls of their likeness). Ben seemed to be a social introvert: quiet and reposed. It seemed he did not seek out friendships, but to hide in the shadows (to keep away from the wrath of his father). It seems as a boy he made a connection with Richard Alpert, one of the Others, who marveled that he could see his dead mother on the island. This gave Ben one thing to look forward to: leaving his father to become a member of the Others. He probably thought that he could make more lasting friends in the Others camp than staying with in the rigid confines of the Dharma collective. It also appears that Annie left the island during the Incident, when women and children were evacuated by Dr. Chang. At that point, Ben lost his only friend. Ben thought he did not need friends to become powerful and respected by other people. He did not want to be a low level janitor spit upon by those in leadership roles. He wanted to command the respect of people around him. When he joined the Others, he found the same constraints as in the Dharma world. He loathed Charles Widmore because of his indifference to defenseless children. Ben's first act of defiance was saving Alex, whom he then raised as his own daughter.
So when Flight 815 crashed on the island, most of the main characters on LOST were at the crossroad of their life, staring down the path of loneliness and depressive regrets. Even Bernard and Rose were struggling to beat her terminal cancer - - for Bernard, losing Rose would be losing his own life. Jin and Sun's relationship had soured to the point that Sun was willing to flee her spouse and her rich family. Michael was a man without stateside friends when he picked up his son, Walt, in Australia after his mother had passed on. Walt also appeared to be a sullen, quiet and friendless child (in some ways mirrors Ben's story line). It was only after Walt left the island and lived with his grandmother, did Walt is seen in the company of school friends living a normal life (so much so that Locke decided against trying to bring him back to the island).
For the vast majority of main characters, the island was shocking life event that allowed adult strangers, through mutual adversity, to make new friends - - - the most friends each character ever had in their lifetime. And as friends, they laughed, cried, fought, argued, worked together, solved problems and had their intimate moments. In one respect, the island and the survivors were what most of the characters had been secretly longing for in their past lives: a sense of belonging, a sense of family structure, a support system, mutual caring, mutual security, a sense of community and purpose.
But as we grow older, friendships change like our individual interests. We may not realize at the time that time itself has begun to cull the friendship herd. You do not have enough hours in the day to socialize with everyone you know. Subsets of friends become more important to you.
Then, hormones take over and attraction to the opposite sex takes priority over the past. This further defines the parameters of one's social circle. Some women want their boyfriend's full and complete attention and affection. Some men want to maintain a level of freedom, going out with the guys to play sports or hang out. Everyone learns to find a balance between old friendships and demands of their most personal relationships.
Things change again when a person is out in "the real world." A job becomes a time consuming task master. Marriage and a family suddenly takes up all the old "free time." There is always something to do in one's home - - - from chores, cleaning, maintenance, kids activities and spousal duties. Even time alone on vacation becomes a logistics project. But those are the strongest bonds that can be made by an individual, in a family unit.
It is rare for adults to make many "new" friends. Colleagues at work may or may not get beyond the casual, professional co-worker status because everyone in the work place has settled into their own off-hours personal routine and lifestyle. It is harder for single people in the work place to find new deep bonds because most companies have anti-fraternization policies. You are in the work place to serve the company objectives and not to find your soul mate.
So how do adults find new adult friends? Instead of feeling sorry for one's self, or accepting the negative habits of one's daily routine, an adult needs to "work" on expanding their horizons, forcing themselves to go out and meet new people at events or places that interest them. The easiest way to open a conversation with a stranger is to have something in common to start with . . . whether it is at a charity event, an art gallery opening, a play or a coffee shop. It is not just introverts that have problems overcoming the fear of rejection when meeting new people. Extroverts have to check their energy levels so as to stop from coming off as a blow-hard or bragger. Everyone knows that first impressions (within a minute or two) are the most important message signals between people. That added pressure to be liked also adds an equal level of anxiety. It is like an NFL kicker lining up a 55 yard field goal to win the game, but this time it is a personal game of life.
You cannot make someone like you or to be your friend. The physics of force (for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction) does not work in personal relationships. One can forcefully try to impress another person, but that may not give back an equal level of attraction, affection or curiosity. In some situations, when a person "tries too hard," it actually repels a person away.
People are creatures of their own comfort levels. However, if a comfort level in dealing with other people is set so low as to become a hermit, then it creates a level of distrust, depression, loneliness and desperation. Some people then lock themselves in their own fantasy worlds because they cannot emotionally cope with the real world (or the perception of how they have been treated by others). For every time a person turns down a friendship offer, it is like a knife being plunged between two ribs. We all get that Life is hard. It is full of choices and demands. Everyone's path is a different quest for the same benefits of acknowledgement, acceptance, appreciation, admiration and affection.
An article from Fast Company magazine tackled the issue of making adult friendships.
It stated that while social circles increase through early adulthood, friendship networks peak and start to decrease as you move through your twenties, according to a 2013 study published in Psychological Bulletin. Researchers found that the drop in friendships was often due to marriage, parenthood, and a desire to focus on closer relationships.
Unfortunately close relationships aren’t guaranteed to last; a study by Utrecht University. It found that we lose half our close friends every seven years and replace them with new relationships.
Factors include life changes such as moves, career transitions, relationship changes, and different life stages bring a shift in our friendships and frequently leave people drifting apart. Researchers at BYU found that having too few friends is the equivalent mortality risk to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is riskier than obesity.
"When friendships themselves are healthy, they relieve stress, which is extremely beneficial for health. Most people find it hard to create a deep and meaningful friendship in adulthood, but it’s not so hard if you know what to do." says Robert Epstein, of the American Institute for Behavior Research and Technology.
To cultivate new friends, a person needs consistency. People like to have friends around for whom they can count on in good times and bad. In children, it is almost automatic because you go to school, summer camp and play outside with the other kids in the neighborhood until dinner is ready. Adults rarely have that kind of consistency outside of work.
Counselors suggests joining groups that meet on a regular basis, such as a associations, networking groups, book clubs, classes and workshop because when you join a group, the consistency is built in; people are already showing up without you having to invite them.
The trick is that the friendship is limited to its "container"—the group—until someone initiates gathering outside of it. If friendships aren’t practiced outside of the container, they will most die when the activity or class ends. In other words, being friendly within the confines of a group does not equate to true friendship until you move a relationship outside the parameters of the initial contact group.
Counselors also think that one can use friendship containers as long as possible, but the goal is to move out of them. Start small. Invite work friends out for lunch, happy hour or over to watch the game. The idea is to practice doing other stuff together, and glue more pieces of your lives to each other,. It can take six to eight experiences with someone before you feel like you made a friend.
To deepen relationships, research says you must be willing to be open yourself up to personal topics and disclosures. Vulnerability is the key to emotional bonding, without which relationships tend to feel superficial and meaningless.
Children are naturally put into situations in which they feel vulnerable, such as school, sporting events or on stage in front of a crowded room of parents and classmates. Adults should look for similar scenarios.
If you can put yourself and potential friends in a place of vulnerability, people tend feel needy and provide occasions for other people to provide comfort or support. An example would be to volunteer or get part-time work at a hospital or a charity.
There are times where life circumstances can lead to friendships. A single experience—such as meeting on a vacation—can produce a deep friendship that lasts a lifetime because the experience itself opens people up to share their experiences, opinions and goals. Strangers that become humanized in the eye of someone are no longer strangers. The mind's protective mechanism for protecting against danger is muted by trust.
When you are building friendships, it is important to, work hard to keep the communication upbeat. "Be conscious about the value and joy you're adding to the other person," counselors advise. And that is what friendships are about: adding positive value to a person's life. The quality of friendships help bring out the best in an individual. It is that mutuality of friendship that helps develop close bonds.
This site has written in the past about the main LOST characters and friendships. If there was a takeaway from the Ending would be the reunion was symbolic representation of the characters mutual friendships. And the series journey could be summed up as the path toward true friendships.
A common trait of the main characters was a lack of pre-island friends.
Jack apparently had no real friends. Even when he stood up to the bullies in the schoolyard, and got beaten badly for it, no one stood up for him. It seems that Jack had no siblings. His father was not a friend, but a rival. Even at the hospital, it appeared that Jack was friendly with his colleagues but spent no time with anyone outside of work. And it also was shown that Jack did not have a social life outside of the hospital. It was his "miracle" surgery for Sarah that gave him a girlfriend, then a spouse, then a bitter divorce because Jack lacked the social skills to handle a marital friendship.
Sawyer also appears to be a single child. When his parents were killed, Sawyer is comforted by his uncle. We can assume that Sawyer was then raised with his cousins, but there was no lasting bonds between family members. This was probably because Sawyer had vowed to kill the man that caused his family turmoil. As a result, he turned himself into a lone wolf, an avenger. As a con man, he purposely kept his personal life from his professional thefts. The closest thing he had to a relationship was the ill-fitting, ill-advised fling with Cassiday, one of his marks gone bad. He left her and his infant child to complete his quest of vengeance. We can assume that when Sawyer left the island, he did not return to have a life or relationship with Cassiday since she was not with him in his final journey at the church reunion.
Kate was a popular child because she was the typical girl-next-door, tomboy.We know of one childhood friend, Tom Brennan, the boy who got in trouble with her when she tried to steal a lunchbox. Later, when Kate returned to visit her mother in the hospital, Tom, now a married doctor with a small son, helped Kate get past security. When she confronted her mother seeking support for what she had done (killed her father in an explosion), her mother yelled for security. In the police chase, Tom was killed by a police bullet. One could assume that Kate, an only child, placed her mother as her best friend. When all of her classmates moved on with their lives and their dreams, Kate did not grow or leave her mother's side. Tom, who clearly believed Kate was his first puppy love, did not realize that Kate was not a true friend but merely used him like she did with the other men in her life on the run. She came close to finding friendship with another broken woman, Cassiday, who helped cause a diversion for Kate's escape. Kate never knew of Cassiday's relationship with Sawyer, but Cassiday and her shared one thing in common: the free spirit adventure of living near the edge.
Locke was another only child. But his case was different. He was abandoned by his parents at birth. His mother was institutionalized for mental illness. His father fled to be a con man, and eventually destroying Sawyer's family in the process. Locke always pushed to fit in. In school, he wanted to be part of the "popular" group which would have been the jocks. But his intellect was more science. When counseled to follow an academic path, Locke rebelled to find himself outside any group: academic or sports. He was moved to various foster homes, but never had strong relationships with the other children in those households. Throughout his life, he continued to try to find a substitute family to the discouragement of making normal, traditional friends. He would work odd jobs and have colleagues at work, but we never saw him interact with co-workers outside the work place. Locke was a true loaner but also a odd dreamer. He was quick to abandon a situation if it did not work out like he thought it should. He felt trapped and cursed by Life itself. He thought joining a commune would bring him the sense of family and belonging. But even that was a bitter illusion (as the commune was merely a front from drug manufacturer and distribution.) The only person who would accept him was Helen, a woman he met at an anger management meeting. They began to have a relationship outside of the group. Within six months, the romance had blossomed to the point where Locke gave her a key to his apartment. However, Helen knew that Locke was obsessed with tracking down his father and establishing a potential disappointing relationship with him. Helen accepted the key only if Locke would abandon is mission to connect with his father. Locke lied to her, which led to their break-up. Locke lacked the social skills to realize that Helen was the best thing he would ever find in his life. When his father broke his heart, and then his spine, Locke used to call a phone worker "Helen" as a coping mechanism to his loneliness. When Locke was ready to take his great adventure, the walkabout, he did not have a friend to share that experience. And when the operator denied him his outback adventure, it was clear that Locke's dreams died as a lonely, middle aged man. This was bitterly confirmed when no one showed up at Locke's funeral. It was also ironic that in the sideways universe, he was happily together with Helen - - - but at the final reunion, Helen was not part of it (causing one to surmise that the sideways world was a fantasy-dream state).
Hurley had a more normal friendship path. He grew up and he was very close to his father. But he was extremely hurt when his father abandoned his family; he started to eat to compensate for his loss. Even so, Hurley was still able to make acquaintances and friends because of his likeable and non-threatening personality. We know that he had at least 22 friends because he was on the deck that collapsed which led to his guilt and mental institutional treatment. But even after the accident, he still had friends. His best friend was Johnny, who he would hang out with outside of work. Hurley was also friendly with a record store clerk, Starla. In fact, Hurley got the courage to ask her out on a date. But his relationship quickly soured when Johnny got upset that Hurley failed to share his lottery win secret with him. As a result, Johnny left him and started dating Starla. Hurley was convinced that the lottery win had cursed him. The numbers he played were from one of his mental institution buddies, Lenny. But Hurley's "best" friend was his imaginary friend, Dave. Dave made many appearances during the series, including one on the island which he almost got Hurley to jump off a cliff to end the illusion that he was living. Hurley was stopped by Lilly, the girlfriend he met on the island (but in a contradiction, she was seen as a mental patient in Hurley's same day room at Santa Rosa). Hurley never recognized her as a former patient which has always been a plot point problem. As with many people, as Hurley grew older, he had less friends because he feared that bad things would happen to people around him. Like Locke, Hurley went alone on his quest to find the meaning of the numbers. He had no one he could trust with his secrets or feelings even though he got along well around other people.
Ben had a tragic childhood. His mother died at his birth, and his alcoholic father blamed him for it. His father apparently moved from odd job to odd job until he landed a position on the island. Ben came to the island as a polite 8 year old child. In the Dharma school, he met one friend, Annie, who gave him a present she made (two dolls of their likeness). Ben seemed to be a social introvert: quiet and reposed. It seemed he did not seek out friendships, but to hide in the shadows (to keep away from the wrath of his father). It seems as a boy he made a connection with Richard Alpert, one of the Others, who marveled that he could see his dead mother on the island. This gave Ben one thing to look forward to: leaving his father to become a member of the Others. He probably thought that he could make more lasting friends in the Others camp than staying with in the rigid confines of the Dharma collective. It also appears that Annie left the island during the Incident, when women and children were evacuated by Dr. Chang. At that point, Ben lost his only friend. Ben thought he did not need friends to become powerful and respected by other people. He did not want to be a low level janitor spit upon by those in leadership roles. He wanted to command the respect of people around him. When he joined the Others, he found the same constraints as in the Dharma world. He loathed Charles Widmore because of his indifference to defenseless children. Ben's first act of defiance was saving Alex, whom he then raised as his own daughter.
So when Flight 815 crashed on the island, most of the main characters on LOST were at the crossroad of their life, staring down the path of loneliness and depressive regrets. Even Bernard and Rose were struggling to beat her terminal cancer - - for Bernard, losing Rose would be losing his own life. Jin and Sun's relationship had soured to the point that Sun was willing to flee her spouse and her rich family. Michael was a man without stateside friends when he picked up his son, Walt, in Australia after his mother had passed on. Walt also appeared to be a sullen, quiet and friendless child (in some ways mirrors Ben's story line). It was only after Walt left the island and lived with his grandmother, did Walt is seen in the company of school friends living a normal life (so much so that Locke decided against trying to bring him back to the island).
For the vast majority of main characters, the island was shocking life event that allowed adult strangers, through mutual adversity, to make new friends - - - the most friends each character ever had in their lifetime. And as friends, they laughed, cried, fought, argued, worked together, solved problems and had their intimate moments. In one respect, the island and the survivors were what most of the characters had been secretly longing for in their past lives: a sense of belonging, a sense of family structure, a support system, mutual caring, mutual security, a sense of community and purpose.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
DADDY ISSUES
Women struggle to find a man who will be the man of her dreams; but as a child the man who made her young dreams come true was her father.
The one man in their life that's holding women back from other men in your life is the shadow of your father.
Growing up is not easy. Parent-child dynamic is complex.
Parents have the greatest influence on how you will grow up. They will form the values, principles and morals that will be the center of your adult core. During childhood, parents have absolute power over you, and they're the defining influence in your life (and love life) during your formative years.
Fathers often are seen as the disciplinary, the voice of reason and punishment.
If one grows up with relationship issues with one's parents, it can leak into other parts of life.
LOST was filled with women with "daddy issues," which describes a woman's intimacy problems with men as a result of conflict with her father.
It's a concept that makes sense intuitively, but is difficult to explain in words but instinctively generalize.
Sociologists have concluded that many young women come into greater-than-normal conflict with their fathers growing up, and those issues are transformed in how they deal with other men in the future. Most people can overcome it, depending on the severity of the situation. Others struggle.
Here are some signs a woman might be the latter.
1. You don't trust men.
It's not easy to truth others when the first, most important man to enter your life breaks that trust. Think about how hard it is to trust a partner after you've been cheated on. Broken trust causes people to guard themselves more closely in the future, lest you be hurt again.
2. You generalize men.
Look at your Facebook or Twitter feed and count how many times you see a variation of the phrase "All men are jerks." Most everyone would agree that all people are different. You have to take each person on a case-by-case basis. But if you spent most of your early life dealing with a "jerk," every time you encounter another one it reinforces a bias viewpoint toward all men.
The problem is, your experience is heavily weighted in your mind toward the jerk example, and it would take tons and tons of great guys to tip the scales in the other direction ... an amount that will likely never happen if everybody is a coin-flip.
3. You need constant attention — positive and negative.
People who miss out on attention from one parent early in life tend to seek it out in others. It can be destructive because you'll take attention however you can get it. Like a child who acts out to get their parents to notice, you can hurt yourself and others.
If your father was aloof or otherwise ignored you growing up, you might be overly needy in a relationship. You can lash out to get your partner's attention when you feel you aren't getting enough of the conventional kind. You may seek out love from strangers in the hope of finding happiness. But this may be another form of negative reinforcement since you cannot find a suitable replacement for the void of your father in your adult life.
4. You're overly defensive.
A common response to pain is to recede into a shell. You can't be hurt if you never put your heart out there. Having a poor relationship with your father may lead you to not let other men get close to you emotionally.
The consequences of this on your love life are far-reaching. Do you never take the "next step" in a relationship? Do you bail at the first sign of trouble? Do you go cold when he wants to get closer?
5. You have trouble committing.
You've seen the fallout of bad relationships and you want no part of it. Whether it's the way your father treated your mother, or your personal relationship with him, you just know what happens when things go badly.
The truth is, it's hard to remember that everybody and every situation is different. Just because your parents got divorced and hated each other doesn't mean that you'll suffer the same fate.
6. You tend to prefer much older men.
In a subconscious effort to reconcile your relationship with your father, you may have a habit of pursuing much older men. You see someone reminiscent of your father showering you with love and attention, and it compensates for that deficit in your relationship with your father in some way.
The one man in their life that's holding women back from other men in your life is the shadow of your father.
Growing up is not easy. Parent-child dynamic is complex.
Parents have the greatest influence on how you will grow up. They will form the values, principles and morals that will be the center of your adult core. During childhood, parents have absolute power over you, and they're the defining influence in your life (and love life) during your formative years.
Fathers often are seen as the disciplinary, the voice of reason and punishment.
If one grows up with relationship issues with one's parents, it can leak into other parts of life.
LOST was filled with women with "daddy issues," which describes a woman's intimacy problems with men as a result of conflict with her father.
It's a concept that makes sense intuitively, but is difficult to explain in words but instinctively generalize.
Sociologists have concluded that many young women come into greater-than-normal conflict with their fathers growing up, and those issues are transformed in how they deal with other men in the future. Most people can overcome it, depending on the severity of the situation. Others struggle.
Here are some signs a woman might be the latter.
1. You don't trust men.
It's not easy to truth others when the first, most important man to enter your life breaks that trust. Think about how hard it is to trust a partner after you've been cheated on. Broken trust causes people to guard themselves more closely in the future, lest you be hurt again.
2. You generalize men.
Look at your Facebook or Twitter feed and count how many times you see a variation of the phrase "All men are jerks." Most everyone would agree that all people are different. You have to take each person on a case-by-case basis. But if you spent most of your early life dealing with a "jerk," every time you encounter another one it reinforces a bias viewpoint toward all men.
The problem is, your experience is heavily weighted in your mind toward the jerk example, and it would take tons and tons of great guys to tip the scales in the other direction ... an amount that will likely never happen if everybody is a coin-flip.
3. You need constant attention — positive and negative.
People who miss out on attention from one parent early in life tend to seek it out in others. It can be destructive because you'll take attention however you can get it. Like a child who acts out to get their parents to notice, you can hurt yourself and others.
If your father was aloof or otherwise ignored you growing up, you might be overly needy in a relationship. You can lash out to get your partner's attention when you feel you aren't getting enough of the conventional kind. You may seek out love from strangers in the hope of finding happiness. But this may be another form of negative reinforcement since you cannot find a suitable replacement for the void of your father in your adult life.
4. You're overly defensive.
A common response to pain is to recede into a shell. You can't be hurt if you never put your heart out there. Having a poor relationship with your father may lead you to not let other men get close to you emotionally.
The consequences of this on your love life are far-reaching. Do you never take the "next step" in a relationship? Do you bail at the first sign of trouble? Do you go cold when he wants to get closer?
5. You have trouble committing.
You've seen the fallout of bad relationships and you want no part of it. Whether it's the way your father treated your mother, or your personal relationship with him, you just know what happens when things go badly.
The truth is, it's hard to remember that everybody and every situation is different. Just because your parents got divorced and hated each other doesn't mean that you'll suffer the same fate.
6. You tend to prefer much older men.
In a subconscious effort to reconcile your relationship with your father, you may have a habit of pursuing much older men. You see someone reminiscent of your father showering you with love and attention, and it compensates for that deficit in your relationship with your father in some way.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
MISSING LINKS
There are a few large missing links in the LOST mosaic.
BEN'S MOTHER. We only saw her briefly in the woods just prior to child birth. What type of person was she? Was she connected to the island in some unknown way?
SAWYER'S FATHER. We never saw him, but his reaction to his wife being swindled (a murder-suicide) must have been part of a pre-existing, driven or obsessive personality that had to have had left an impression on young Ford. Was Sawyer really trying to become Cooper or trying to run away from becoming his own father?
JACK'S MOTHER. We only see her briefly in the background. She seems to be a country club wife, a border line timid alcoholic who puts up with her husband's successful practice because of the status and lifestyle she had come accustomed to over the years. What kinds of morality and life lessons did she impart on Jack? Was she a counterbalance to Christian's negativity?
JACOB'S FATHER. Where was he after the ship wreck? Why did he not go looking for his wife (and if found her after childbirth), go looking for his son? Was Jacob's mother "alone" on the ship - - - a widow or a slave? And Jacob not having a paternal influence in growing up alter his outlook on life?
SAYID'S MOTHER. We saw a brief glimpse of Sayid's stern father during a flash back to Sayid's Iraqi childhood. It seems that the father had great influence on Sayid become a strong man. But was Sayid's mother overwhelmed by his traditional father and culture so much so that it put the guilt and shame into Sayid's subconscious to be a better person than his father?
SHANNON'S FATHER. We only saw him in the emergency room, from the same crash that led Jack to his miracle surgery on his future first wife. Was Shannon's father a doting one, always bailing her out of trouble so much so that she grew up lacking any responsibility or accountability for her actions? Is this why Boone had to try to assume a parental enforcer to try to get Shannon away from being a spoiled trust fund child when her father died? The one fact that hit Shannon hard was once her father died, she was cut off from the family wealth. She was on her own, still making bad choices. In some respects, her old life died with her father.
CHARLIE'S PARENTS. We don't know much about them. It seems that Charlie was closer to his brother - - - that was his family. Were Charlie's parents so cold to him that Charlie escaped into the literature of what a perfect family was supposed to be like (and transferring that notion onto Claire and Aaron)?
DESMOND'S PARENTS. We know nothing about the raggy man. Desmond lacked discipline, drive, goals and steady work ethic to survive in any sort of middle class existence. Was his parents free spirits, hippies or outcasts who left him at an early age to fend for himself? If so, this young independence must have been a strong survival instinct for Desmond, so much so that he was afraid to commit to things because it would strangle his independence streak.
It seems one or both parents background was missing in the back stories of several major characters. The missing parent character traits could explain the motivations, fears and direction of the main castaways and how they interacted with the people in their lives.
BEN'S MOTHER. We only saw her briefly in the woods just prior to child birth. What type of person was she? Was she connected to the island in some unknown way?
SAWYER'S FATHER. We never saw him, but his reaction to his wife being swindled (a murder-suicide) must have been part of a pre-existing, driven or obsessive personality that had to have had left an impression on young Ford. Was Sawyer really trying to become Cooper or trying to run away from becoming his own father?
JACK'S MOTHER. We only see her briefly in the background. She seems to be a country club wife, a border line timid alcoholic who puts up with her husband's successful practice because of the status and lifestyle she had come accustomed to over the years. What kinds of morality and life lessons did she impart on Jack? Was she a counterbalance to Christian's negativity?
JACOB'S FATHER. Where was he after the ship wreck? Why did he not go looking for his wife (and if found her after childbirth), go looking for his son? Was Jacob's mother "alone" on the ship - - - a widow or a slave? And Jacob not having a paternal influence in growing up alter his outlook on life?
SAYID'S MOTHER. We saw a brief glimpse of Sayid's stern father during a flash back to Sayid's Iraqi childhood. It seems that the father had great influence on Sayid become a strong man. But was Sayid's mother overwhelmed by his traditional father and culture so much so that it put the guilt and shame into Sayid's subconscious to be a better person than his father?
SHANNON'S FATHER. We only saw him in the emergency room, from the same crash that led Jack to his miracle surgery on his future first wife. Was Shannon's father a doting one, always bailing her out of trouble so much so that she grew up lacking any responsibility or accountability for her actions? Is this why Boone had to try to assume a parental enforcer to try to get Shannon away from being a spoiled trust fund child when her father died? The one fact that hit Shannon hard was once her father died, she was cut off from the family wealth. She was on her own, still making bad choices. In some respects, her old life died with her father.
CHARLIE'S PARENTS. We don't know much about them. It seems that Charlie was closer to his brother - - - that was his family. Were Charlie's parents so cold to him that Charlie escaped into the literature of what a perfect family was supposed to be like (and transferring that notion onto Claire and Aaron)?
DESMOND'S PARENTS. We know nothing about the raggy man. Desmond lacked discipline, drive, goals and steady work ethic to survive in any sort of middle class existence. Was his parents free spirits, hippies or outcasts who left him at an early age to fend for himself? If so, this young independence must have been a strong survival instinct for Desmond, so much so that he was afraid to commit to things because it would strangle his independence streak.
It seems one or both parents background was missing in the back stories of several major characters. The missing parent character traits could explain the motivations, fears and direction of the main castaways and how they interacted with the people in their lives.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
UNWANTED CHILDREN
One of the issues I had with LOST is how it treated children like Aaron, Emma and Zach. At times, the portrayal of children were mere props. This includes Walt, who was supposed to be a major character into the series until a large growth spurt wrote him out of the series.
But as adults, we did not view the series through the eyes of a child. How one reacts to an entertainment show is based upon one's own life experiences. That is why writers try to use universal themes and events to give commonality to the characters so we can glean familiar traits and conflicts to be resolved in the story.
The show could be viewed now as a series of unwanted children stories.
Locke was probably the earliest example. He was the consequence of a smooth talking con man taking advantage of a naive country girl. After his miraculous birth, his mother refused to hold him. Locke was abandoned by his parents within minutes of being born. That scar was burned deep into Locke. He called his mother "crazy." He did not fit into his foster homes. He had no relationship with his father, until he came back into his life to steal a kidney. No wonder Locke rebelled against his own nature and authority. He wanted to be in charge of his own life. He wanted to find a normal home life. It is telling that at an early age Locke transposed his feelings into artwork which included a dangerous smoke monster.
Kate also had bad childhood issues. She was raised by an army officer father, Sam Austen, and her mother. But Kate felt deeply betrayed when she found out that the man who raised her was not her "real" father. And once that secret was out, her "real" father - - - an abusive drunk - - - came back to the house, Kate lashed out. She felt abandoned by the man he thought was her father. She felt abandoned by her mother who took more time and effort to please Wayne than maintain her relationship with Kate. As such, Kate began to act up in order to regain her mother's attention. As a child, a store clerk caught Kate and her friend, Tom, stealing a lunchbox from a small convenience store. Jacob intervened and paid for the lunchbox, tapping her nose, and telling her to "be good." Later, Kate and Tom recorded a message and put it and a toy airplane and a baseball into the lunchbox and buried it under a tree as a time capsule. It is telling that Kate transposed her feelings into becoming a trouble maker to get attention. One way to do so was to runaway from home. Make her mother miss her. The toy airplane became of symbol of Kate's desire to runaway from her parents.
Jack had different childhood issues. He was raised by an upper middle class professional couple. His father was a brilliant but boastful surgeon. He was never around when Jack was growing up. And when he talked to Jack, it was usually to correct him or knock him down a peg. Jack felt isolated from his parents. And as an only child, he had the desire to succeed in order to re-gain the perceived lost affection from his parents. So he tried very hard to match his father's accomplishments. And when he succeeded and began a successful surgeon, his father did not change. He was still critical of his son. The lack of respect was crippling to Jack's ego.
James Ford a/k/a Sawyer had a traumatic childhood that scarred his psyche. He carried with him the story of how a con man came into his rural town and seduced his mother and stole all his family's money. He said that the man, Anthony Cooper or "Sawyer," claimed that he loved his mother and promised to take her out of Alabama. Sawyer realized that her mother had betrayed his father. His mother chose a stranger over the family. Sawyer's father found out and became a deranged person. He shot his wife then turned the gun on himself, while young James hid under the bed and watched. At the funeral, James began a letter to the con man, vowing to find him one day and kill him. Jacob gave him a pen when his dried out, and he finished the letter, though he promised his uncle that he would not complete it. In his bitterness and the traumatic emotional scar of a broken family, Sawyer's quest for revenge turned him into the man he hated since he was a boy.
Hurley also had abandonment issues. He was close with his mother and father. Everything seemed to be great. He was helping his dad rebuild a car, when suddenly one day, he left. All he gave him was a candy bar. That candy bar became a crutch to stay off depression. Hurley gained weight, became introverted, and began to fantasize about a better things. Hurley became a loner. As a result, he never thought that he would amount to much. He would go from dead end job to dead end job. Even his closest friend would take off and leave him alone. He blamed his loneliness on the fact that it must have been his fault that his father left the family. He had to be punished for breaking up the family. And when he suddenly found wealth and the family was reunited, Hurley was ashamed by the superficial love shown by the people around him. He felt that the money was a curse, but he really believed deep down that he was the one that was cursed so that bad things would happen to people close to him.
In these examples, we find small children trying to deal with serious adult issues: abandonment, betrayal, harsh criticism to belittlement, traumatic emotional scars and cursed loneliness. And in these early years, the characters made certain choices that appear to haunt them for the rest of their lives. Locke pushing hard to find a family but as a result pushes away the good people. Kate only knows how to run away from her problems rather than directly dealing with them. Jack gives up all aspects of his life to make sure his father would one day be proud of Jack's accomplishments. Hurley learns to blame himself for the troubles of the people around him. At some early point in time, each of the main characters felt that someone they cared about did not want them.
It is a universal fact that babies and young children cling and bond to their parents. They need the close attachment for nourishment and safety. They get upset if they think a parent is abandoning them ("don't leave me alone!") or not paying attention. They cannot care for themselves. It is the care and affection they receive as a young child which molds how they will grow up. Kate felt this deep pain of her childhood scars coming to the forefront when she took Aaron home to be raised by her. This was the same lie which she lived in her own childhood. Kate beat herself up so much that her solution was again to run away from the responsibility of caring for Aaron to find Claire in a apparent suicide mission to get back to the island. Kate abandoned Aaron much like her step-father abandoned her. Kate knew that her actions would cause Aaron deep pain later in life. But her own history repeated itself when she left Aaron.
We saw the main characters as adults with childlike issues. And perhaps, that is how the main characters saw themselves. The characters had similar traits of being sentimental, emotional, bitter and feeling unwanted by their parents. Where do unwanted children wind up? An orphanage.
One small pebble of doubt in a young child's mind can snow ball into a huge emotional problem as an adult. How does a young child perceive his or her being put in an orphanage? A prison to punish them for something they did wrong to break up their family? A place where useless people are thrown away?
The seeds of the entire LOST island story could have been established in the imaginations of the orphans who dreamed of what their lives would become if they could control them. Each of the children could bring an element to their group storybook tale of woe to the schoolyard: Locke the dangerous island monster; Kate the airplane to run away from their problems; Hurley the curse of crashing the plane; Sawyer the lies that turn matters into life and death actions; and Jack trying to prove that he is worthy of a parent's praise.
What if the basis of LOST is the group imagination of orphans acting out their psychological issues in their own Wizard of Oz fantasy play time. Children have vivid imaginations. They can recreate battles in the back yard; Star Wars space fights in the basement with paper towel tubes as light sabers; they can dream of tropical paradises; they can create monsters in the closet or boogie men under the bed; they can transform themselves into doctors, pilots, hunters, assassins, soldiers, beauty queens, witches and kings, and all with the lack of moral right or wrong since to them it is all mere "play."
As normal adults, we have forgotten more childhood memories than we realize. It may be the clutter of the modern day multitasking, but at some time in the future the mental clouds will part and those forgotten memories will resurface like they happened just yesterday. An example of this is in elderly patients with various forms of dementia: they may not know the names of their family members, but they can tell vivid stories from the childhood. How or why people suddenly "awaken" or focus in on lost childhood memories is unknown. But that same mystery is apparent in the sideways world when the characters have to remember in order to move on. In LOST, it may have been to remember the fantasy stories of abandoned orphans in order to obtain peace of mind.
But as adults, we did not view the series through the eyes of a child. How one reacts to an entertainment show is based upon one's own life experiences. That is why writers try to use universal themes and events to give commonality to the characters so we can glean familiar traits and conflicts to be resolved in the story.
The show could be viewed now as a series of unwanted children stories.
Locke was probably the earliest example. He was the consequence of a smooth talking con man taking advantage of a naive country girl. After his miraculous birth, his mother refused to hold him. Locke was abandoned by his parents within minutes of being born. That scar was burned deep into Locke. He called his mother "crazy." He did not fit into his foster homes. He had no relationship with his father, until he came back into his life to steal a kidney. No wonder Locke rebelled against his own nature and authority. He wanted to be in charge of his own life. He wanted to find a normal home life. It is telling that at an early age Locke transposed his feelings into artwork which included a dangerous smoke monster.
Kate also had bad childhood issues. She was raised by an army officer father, Sam Austen, and her mother. But Kate felt deeply betrayed when she found out that the man who raised her was not her "real" father. And once that secret was out, her "real" father - - - an abusive drunk - - - came back to the house, Kate lashed out. She felt abandoned by the man he thought was her father. She felt abandoned by her mother who took more time and effort to please Wayne than maintain her relationship with Kate. As such, Kate began to act up in order to regain her mother's attention. As a child, a store clerk caught Kate and her friend, Tom, stealing a lunchbox from a small convenience store. Jacob intervened and paid for the lunchbox, tapping her nose, and telling her to "be good." Later, Kate and Tom recorded a message and put it and a toy airplane and a baseball into the lunchbox and buried it under a tree as a time capsule. It is telling that Kate transposed her feelings into becoming a trouble maker to get attention. One way to do so was to runaway from home. Make her mother miss her. The toy airplane became of symbol of Kate's desire to runaway from her parents.
Jack had different childhood issues. He was raised by an upper middle class professional couple. His father was a brilliant but boastful surgeon. He was never around when Jack was growing up. And when he talked to Jack, it was usually to correct him or knock him down a peg. Jack felt isolated from his parents. And as an only child, he had the desire to succeed in order to re-gain the perceived lost affection from his parents. So he tried very hard to match his father's accomplishments. And when he succeeded and began a successful surgeon, his father did not change. He was still critical of his son. The lack of respect was crippling to Jack's ego.
James Ford a/k/a Sawyer had a traumatic childhood that scarred his psyche. He carried with him the story of how a con man came into his rural town and seduced his mother and stole all his family's money. He said that the man, Anthony Cooper or "Sawyer," claimed that he loved his mother and promised to take her out of Alabama. Sawyer realized that her mother had betrayed his father. His mother chose a stranger over the family. Sawyer's father found out and became a deranged person. He shot his wife then turned the gun on himself, while young James hid under the bed and watched. At the funeral, James began a letter to the con man, vowing to find him one day and kill him. Jacob gave him a pen when his dried out, and he finished the letter, though he promised his uncle that he would not complete it. In his bitterness and the traumatic emotional scar of a broken family, Sawyer's quest for revenge turned him into the man he hated since he was a boy.
Hurley also had abandonment issues. He was close with his mother and father. Everything seemed to be great. He was helping his dad rebuild a car, when suddenly one day, he left. All he gave him was a candy bar. That candy bar became a crutch to stay off depression. Hurley gained weight, became introverted, and began to fantasize about a better things. Hurley became a loner. As a result, he never thought that he would amount to much. He would go from dead end job to dead end job. Even his closest friend would take off and leave him alone. He blamed his loneliness on the fact that it must have been his fault that his father left the family. He had to be punished for breaking up the family. And when he suddenly found wealth and the family was reunited, Hurley was ashamed by the superficial love shown by the people around him. He felt that the money was a curse, but he really believed deep down that he was the one that was cursed so that bad things would happen to people close to him.
In these examples, we find small children trying to deal with serious adult issues: abandonment, betrayal, harsh criticism to belittlement, traumatic emotional scars and cursed loneliness. And in these early years, the characters made certain choices that appear to haunt them for the rest of their lives. Locke pushing hard to find a family but as a result pushes away the good people. Kate only knows how to run away from her problems rather than directly dealing with them. Jack gives up all aspects of his life to make sure his father would one day be proud of Jack's accomplishments. Hurley learns to blame himself for the troubles of the people around him. At some early point in time, each of the main characters felt that someone they cared about did not want them.
It is a universal fact that babies and young children cling and bond to their parents. They need the close attachment for nourishment and safety. They get upset if they think a parent is abandoning them ("don't leave me alone!") or not paying attention. They cannot care for themselves. It is the care and affection they receive as a young child which molds how they will grow up. Kate felt this deep pain of her childhood scars coming to the forefront when she took Aaron home to be raised by her. This was the same lie which she lived in her own childhood. Kate beat herself up so much that her solution was again to run away from the responsibility of caring for Aaron to find Claire in a apparent suicide mission to get back to the island. Kate abandoned Aaron much like her step-father abandoned her. Kate knew that her actions would cause Aaron deep pain later in life. But her own history repeated itself when she left Aaron.
We saw the main characters as adults with childlike issues. And perhaps, that is how the main characters saw themselves. The characters had similar traits of being sentimental, emotional, bitter and feeling unwanted by their parents. Where do unwanted children wind up? An orphanage.
One small pebble of doubt in a young child's mind can snow ball into a huge emotional problem as an adult. How does a young child perceive his or her being put in an orphanage? A prison to punish them for something they did wrong to break up their family? A place where useless people are thrown away?
The seeds of the entire LOST island story could have been established in the imaginations of the orphans who dreamed of what their lives would become if they could control them. Each of the children could bring an element to their group storybook tale of woe to the schoolyard: Locke the dangerous island monster; Kate the airplane to run away from their problems; Hurley the curse of crashing the plane; Sawyer the lies that turn matters into life and death actions; and Jack trying to prove that he is worthy of a parent's praise.
What if the basis of LOST is the group imagination of orphans acting out their psychological issues in their own Wizard of Oz fantasy play time. Children have vivid imaginations. They can recreate battles in the back yard; Star Wars space fights in the basement with paper towel tubes as light sabers; they can dream of tropical paradises; they can create monsters in the closet or boogie men under the bed; they can transform themselves into doctors, pilots, hunters, assassins, soldiers, beauty queens, witches and kings, and all with the lack of moral right or wrong since to them it is all mere "play."
As normal adults, we have forgotten more childhood memories than we realize. It may be the clutter of the modern day multitasking, but at some time in the future the mental clouds will part and those forgotten memories will resurface like they happened just yesterday. An example of this is in elderly patients with various forms of dementia: they may not know the names of their family members, but they can tell vivid stories from the childhood. How or why people suddenly "awaken" or focus in on lost childhood memories is unknown. But that same mystery is apparent in the sideways world when the characters have to remember in order to move on. In LOST, it may have been to remember the fantasy stories of abandoned orphans in order to obtain peace of mind.
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